If you think a woman in a tan vinyl bra and underwear, grabbing her crotch and grinding up on a dance partner is raunchy, trashy, and offensive but you don’t think her dance partner is raunchy, trashy, or offensive as he sings a song about “blurred” lines of consent and…
I need feminism because I was just called selfish for not wanting to have children.
This. A thousand times this.
On Facebook the other morning I noticed a status from a popular morning TV show about putting your child’s needs and wants above that of your partners, apparently some bloke (Andrew G Marshall) has written a book about how a mother should put the relationship she has with the child’s father/her partner first.
Of course the comments section was mostly filled with irate mothers going apeshit,
"ZOMG CHILDREN!!!!1!1! Children are the only thing that matters!!!!11!1!1!"
This led me to a theory that the unwillingness of some mothers to put anything above the needs and wants of their child (even if it is in the child’s best interests) has resulted in a generation of kids who simply cannot handle not being the centre of attention. We’ve all met them, the people who just have to be the main focus of everything, who just don’t get it when they aren’t. Are these the products of mothers who placed them on a pedestal and never taught them to wait their turn? Maybe this fella has a point and showing them that whilst they are important and loved they are not the centre of the universe, is something that is sorely lacking in modern parenting?
What also alarmed me was the sheer amount of women willing to throw their relationship away over this, how is that healthy? You love him enough to have babies with him but if he dares think he’s a priority after they are here he’s out the door? What does that teach the kids exactly? It can’t give them a very good view of their father, when mummy chucks him for “not putting them first”. And what is all this “first” business about anyway?I have a lot of things in my life that are important to me, my husband, my family, my animals, I wouldn’t say I give any one of those things total priority over the others, occasionally one will push itself to the forefront and require a bit more attention but that only means that things get slightly readjusted. Have we not as humans the capacity to care and prioritise more than one thing at once?
I have a theory about this kind of thing, it’s a theory I like to call the “common sense bypass”. The common sense bypass is a severe neurological problem that occurs almost immediately after the birth of a child and results in the parent/parents being unable to see clearly and logically when it comes to issues even transiently involving children, every child becomes an extension of their child. Mostly it presents in rampant displays of “WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!1!1!1!1!11!!” type histrionics whenever these subjects are raised. In this case, for example, the logical perception that maintaining a good relationship with the person you cared enough about to have a child with is not only important but vital, as it teaches kids that relationships need maintenance, can be hard work and require two people putting it in, is replaced by wide eyed horror at the mere SUGGESTION that their sainted child may not be the most important thing in the whole universe. The sensible part of the brain that says, “well yes actually that is an important lesson to teach a child, I never thought of it that way” is bypassed and the “baby fog” descends. If left untreated this condition has a 99% chance of rendering the parent a complete and utter baby bore.
Fortunately there were some sane voices in amongst the madness, so I am hopeful that this condition only affects those naturally predisposed to throwing in their whole identity with parenthood. They were stating how maintaining a good relationship with your significant other is important, how it’s ok to put that first from time to time, you know that whole “balance” thing. Unfortunately however they were drowned out by the sheer vociferousness of mothers declaring anyone who doesn’t think just like them unworthy of the title of “mum”. I think we’ll add this to the big long list of reasons why I will be remaining childfree.
Now there’s a loaded title!
First of all, I am not “childless”. That implies that I am missing something. I do not feel that I am. I would much prefer my decision to not have kids be such a complete non issue that it does not require a label. But such is life, it seems we label everything these days and for that end I prefer the term childfree. Just to be clear it is not meant in a derogatory way to those with children, I am not “childFREE whoop” or implying that those with kids are not “free”, I simply have no children, I am free from them. I am child free.
Now we’ve cleared that up, lets clear something else up. I don’t hate kids either. I know shocking isn’t it? I don’t hate mothers, I am not anti-child, I am simply a woman who has chosen not to have kids. Let me explain.
It has not been an easy road to get to where I am now. If I’m honest, for as long as I can remember I have never seen a child in my future. I have never seen myself becoming a mother. In fact the idea of motherhood is an alien concept to me. I cannot fathom it. That’s not me. For a while (quite a few years actually) I tried to convince myself that I did want kids I was just nervous of the birth bit, we live in a society that is very much geared toward parenthood. You grow up, get married, buy a house, have a baby. That’s “the plan” it is indoctrinated into us from childhood. So when I envisioned my future and saw no child, my subconscious tried to shoe horn one in as that was what I believed I SHOULD want.
Fast forward a few years to my early 20’s, I find myself newly single, having ended a toxic long term relationship. On my own, single for the first time since I was 16 and living back at my parents doubting everything I once thought I knew. I spent the next 2 years getting my life back together, making new friends, learning to live again (I know, so cliche). And then I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. Whether or not I planned to have children was now brought sharply into focus. At first I was upset, I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids and now I may not be able to have them. Then I got angry. I was angry about it for quite a while, a number of years. Not because I was upset about potentially never having children, but at the decision feeling like it was out of my hands. Over time the anger lessened. I met a wonderful man, moved in with him, got married. Research on the condition found that a lot of PCOS women went on to have kids, either naturally or through IVF, egg donation etc, and of course there was always adoption. I may not be able to have kids easily or at all but children were not out of the question.
So that left me with one question to answer. Did I want children? And when it came right down to it. No. I didn’t.
I’m not going to go into a list of why I don’t want kids. Other than to say that I just don’t want them. I don’t have that instinct. I’m not going to have one and hope I change my mind when it’s here (and believe me that has been suggested). And yes, my husband feels the same way. I wouldn’t of married him otherwise. We discussed kids and the issues around it and we both are fine with not having them. Our families are fine with it. Everyone we care about is fine with it. And even if they weren’t it wouldn’t change anything. I’m not going to have a baby to please someone else. That would be stupid.
Has there been hostility toward my choice? You betcha! I’ve been told I am selfish, unnatural and that I’m contributing to the extinction of the human race (that was hilarious, 7 billion people in the world and counting and they seriously think we’re in danger of becoming extinct? If anything we are overcrowded). A lot have assumed my husband has made the choice and I am going a long with it. Some have said that it’s a phase I’ll grow out of (I’m 31, I would consider myself grown) and others have just been outright mean or don’t get it. Childfree, it would appear is not a popular choice. Fortunately I surround myself with people who don’t give a stuff. A lot of my friends are parents and they respect our choice, (they wouldn’t be friends other wise) they are raising great kids and I’m happy for them.
Of course it does get a bit lonely over here in childfree corner. As I’ve said quite a few of my friends already have children or are actively planning to/would like to have. Which is why in the past few months I’ve been a bit more outspoken about our choice and have started to seek out other childfree people to touch base with. I’m hoping to make some connections, it’s nice to meet others with similar views. This is the first time I’ve ever really spoken publicly about being childfree and making that decision and the reasons behind it, so here’s hoping I’ve worded myself well!
Making me some Luxury Jones style boots! Still need to glue in place and add my final doo dads, this is just a preliminary design but I’m really happy so far!
The Doctor, when we join him in the 2012 xmas special, had become, I feel, a slightly darker character. The last we saw he had just lost Amy and Rory and I have a feeling that he had lost River too. He says it himself that Madame Vastra, Strax and Jenny saw him through “The Dark Times”. I think in the period of time between the end of series 7a and the special quite some time has elapsed. Enough time for the Doctor to travel with River and have to send her to the library, enough time to know that she was gone.
River says that the last time she saw The Doctor, her Doctor, he turned up on her doorstep in a new suit and with his hair cut. It is probably no coincidence that his suit is noticeably different from the special onwards. It could just be me but after last nights episode I noticed that he had also been wearing a lot of black, could this be symbolic of his mourning?
Looking back on this part of the series I do get the feeling that we are with a much older Doctor, a Doctor that has lost his friends and his Wife, entrusting her to a younger version of himself. Knowing she was gone, knowing that he could go and say goodbye, but just not knowing how he could ever do it. He can’t talk about her because it hurts too much. It is clear to me now that the Doctor we see in series 7b is a widower.
I am so glad that River got her goodbye. I am glad it was made clear that he loved her and had mourned for her. I am glad because I genuinely don’t think that we have seen the last of her. Wibbley Wobbley Timey Wimey and all that, there is plenty of scope for her to make occasional appearances. To see those journeys together. To watch them run.
I don’t know what to think of this to be honest. There was a time when I would of welcomed it as a step forward but I just can’t help seeing it as a step back these days.
I’m 30 years old. I’ve always been “alternative”. I’ve experienced a whole lot of hatred as a result of the way I am. I was shocked to my very core when news of the attack on Sophie and Rob and then the resulting death of Sophie broke. It was very apparent to me that it could of been someone I know, someone I love, It could of been my husband or myself and all those years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse came bubbling to the surface and the need to get this recognised as motivated by hate, to get it recognised as a real issue for our community, to get it recognised full stop became very apparent. When you’re part of a close knit community, as we all know the metal/alternative scene is, it was extraordinarily hard not to take this personally.
I went to the sentencing of those boys, I sat outside that court, I made black ribbons to sell to raise money for S.O.P.H.I.E, I still have and still wear my wristband, I supported and still support my community.
So I should be happy about this right? It’s finally being taken seriously. Well no, I’m not and I’m going to try and explain why.
We aren’t special. There I said it.
We are people, the same as everyone else. To be given special consideration for crimes committed against us is counter productive to the real issue that we ARE just people, ordinary, boring old people. I don’t want to be “special”. I want to live in a society where any crime that is motivated by a persons appearance is taken seriously. I want to know that ANYONE who gets assaulted (verbally or physically) is going to have that crime taken seriously. Not just those who happen to fall into the category of “different”.
So whilst I take comfort in the fact that should anything happen to someone I know and love, it’s going to be taken seriously. I’m not happy that it has to be this way.